Mom to Mom: An Interview with Danielle Bean

Danielle Bean is as smart as she is funny, which is to say: very. Her popular blog is a treasure trove of hilarious kid stories and practical parenting advice. She writes with a candor and warmth that makes you feel like you're relaxing at her kitchen table with a glass of lemonade in front of you and a toddler in your lap. You want to stretch out your legs, reach for a cookie, and stay all afternoon.

Danielle's new book, Mom to Mom, Day to Day: Advice and Support for Catholic Living, is full of that same combination of warmth and wisdom. I had the great pleasure recently of interviewing Danielle about the book, writing, and other subjects (including, of course, blogging). It's a long conversation, so click the link at the bottom to read the whole thing.

In the preface of Mom to Mom, you mention that the book grew out of questions sent to you by readers of your blog. Can you share more about what prompted you to continue the dialogue in book form?

I started to realize that I was getting many of the same kinds of questions from readers over and over again. Moms in general, and Catholic moms in particular, seemed to struggle with similar kinds of issues. I started out trying to, but I pretty soon realized that I was never going to be able to answer every email question adequately. I decided that a book might be a good way to go “on record” with my responses to some of the most common questions. Moms are talkers — communicators extraordinaire — and I think we all can benefit from bouncing ideas back and forth and coming together to share thoughts and experiences. Mom to Mom is an attempt at that kind of sharing in book form.

Your thoughts on the division of housework ("Splitting Housework, Splitting Hairs") might surprise many readers. The idea of a modern wife assuming responsibility for all household chores, and looking upon her husband's contribution as a favor rather than "his share"—this is not a message we're hearing much nowadays. Have you had much response to that section of the book? (My favorite part, by the way.)

I really did expect some negativity, but the response to that chapter has so far been overwhelmingly positive. It’s crazy, but for some women, their self esteem has gotten caught up in so-called “fairness,” a perfect 50/50 split, and keeping score when it comes to household chores. Why are things like vacuuming and scrubbing the toilet the only things that “count” as a household contributions? Isn’t paying the bills a major household contribution? Such unrealistic notions can turn any happy woman into a bitter, angry, unhappy wife.

I had one woman tell me that she felt “relieved” to read that chapter because she realized that she need not feel like a doormat just because her husband was not much of a help around the house. She felt pressured by her friends to expect him to contribute more. Imagine that! She was “enslaved” by the idea that her husband wasn’t doing “his fair share” and after reading that chapter she felt free to take on the housework all by herself. Talk about liberation! It’s enough to make a 1960s-style feminist’s head spin.

My readers are always interested in knowing how I manage to squeeze writing time into my busy day. Can you tell us about your work schedule?

Schedule? What’s a schedule?

Just kidding, of course. Sort of. I am not a rigorously scheduled kind of person, but we do follow some routines around here. I go through phases where I write up and enforce really strict schedules for school, chores, meals, and work. I tend to do this when I feel desperate, like when I have newborn or in the first trimester of pregnancy where I am so sick I can’t see straight. Most of the time, though, we follow looser routines and I work whenever I can.

We do most of our sit-down schooling in the morning and my husband is able to be home for some of that time and he frees me up a bit. I reserve afternoons for more independent schoolwork and reading. Between that and naps, I usually manage to find a bit of time there too. But then afternoons also tend to be when we schedule things like doctor’s appointments, baseball, and other time-sucking, energy-sapping extracurricular activities. In the end, evenings and weekends wind up being when I get the bulk of my work done. It helps to be flexible and it really helps to have my husband. Dan is supportive of everything I do and makes every bit of it possible.

You're the editor of Faith & Family magazine. Can you tell us a little bit about what that's like, what your job entails, how much time it takes, how you fit it into family life?

Working at Faith & Family has been such a blessing to me in so many ways. I get to work with writers and editors — my favorite people! — and I help produce a product that I think is really fabulous. As a freelancer, I have always been a bit of a magazine junkie. I love women’s magazines and their focus on home and family, but I hate the materialism, feminism, and other “garbage” that gets sprinkled here and there in most of the newsstand mags. Faith & Family is the perfect blend of everything I love and care about as a Catholic wife and mother — marriage, parenting, spirituality, and help for homemaking — all in one beautiful package.

As for the time it takes, that can vary week to week. I do find that I have precious little time left over for other projects since taking on this position. That’s been okay with me, though. Freelancing can be exhausting and this gives my work focus.

How did you get your start as a writer?

I just did it. That sounds simplistic, but it really is true. I had always wanted to write, but I didn’t know much about how to go about it and kept hesitating. Then one day I realized that I could stay in that hesitating mode forever, or I could just do it. So I did do it. I researched freelancing and I plugged away at various projects. I ran into rejection at certain places and would re-work my stuff and send it somewhere else. Eventually I found some success that way. And each tiny bit of success opens new doors for you … an editor you get to know at one magazine or a published clip you can attach to your next article query all help you get another assignment.

It is work, though. I don’t think people see that so much from the outside. I sometimes get emails from wannabe writers who seem to be looking for some magic formula for finding success as a writer. But the only magic formula is this: Get yourself to the library, to the web, or to Amazon.com. Find out how publishing works, research the markets, and then … get to work!

Who are your favorite authors? How much pleasure reading are you able to do, and what books are in your to-be-read pile?

I love classic literature, but I have had no time whatsoever for “heavy” reading for many years now. I seriously do almost all of my book reading while standing at the kitchen counter pouring juice and handing out sandwiches.

These days I tend to read non-fiction. I love stuff that makes me laugh or makes me cry. For funny writing, Erma Bombeck is my all-time favorite, but I enjoy others too. I just finished reading I Feel bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman by Nora Ephron. She and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, but I laughed so hard I cried. She is hilarious. I also just finished reading Kabul Beauty School: An American Woman Goes Behind the Veil by Deborah Rodriguez. That would be in the “makes me cry” category. It’s the amazing story of an American hairdresser who moves to Afghanistan and sets up a beauty school as a means of teaching women a trade and helping them improve their lives. The descriptions of the sufferings of the Afghan people, and Afghan women in particular, were a real eye opener. Love in the Little Things by Mike Aquilina is in my to-be-read pile. It sounds like good family humor and inspiration — I love that a man has written such a book.

Do you read other blogs?

I do. I used to read a lot more, but I have cut way back on my daily online reading. However much I enjoy it, it’s just too time-consuming for me. I read a few favorites every day and a dozen or so others I check in on once a week or so. I love that there has been a proliferation of family-oriented blogs, but I just don’t have time to keep up with all of them. Besides, one of the perks of my own blogging is that readers often send me links to blog posts or news items they think might interest me. I love that — it’s like I have volunteers doing work and research just for me!

What do your children think about your blog? Do any of them read it?

My kids love my blog — it’s all about them, right? The other day, though, I overheard my oldest tell one of her brothers, “You can’t do anything embarrassing around here or Mama will blog it!” I try to avoid revealing anything too embarrassing, though. My kids do have a right to privacy, after all. Especially the older ones. They read my blog every day, but I tend not to write about them so much — their private experiences are really not appropriate fodder for their mother’s drama.

Did you grow up in a family like the one you're raising—a family in which prayer and celebration of the liturgical year were part of daily life?

I grew up in a beautiful, faith-filled Catholic family of nine children. My parents did a fantastic job of imparting to each of us the life-long gift of faith. We attended public schools — homeschooling was almost unheard of back then — but Catholicism and daily prayer just were a natural part of who were as a family. All of us are adults now and every one of us is practicing the faith. I know that is no small feat and I am humbled by my parents’ sacrifices and success.

One of the great delights of Mom to Mom is its frank admission that no mother is perfect, that every mother at some point or other will lose her temper, yell, or make mistakes. You are refreshingly frank about your own failings, and inspiringly upbeat about the importance of taking a breath and moving on. Do you ever feel overwhelmed? Whom do you turn to for encouragement?

I am not Super Woman and I most certainly do feel overwhelmed sometimes. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. My husband is a wonderful man, but he is a man, and as such he has little tolerance for emotional venting. But that’s what God made sisters and girlfriends for. I am blessed to have a fabulous mother, three supportive sisters, and a healthy circle of real life and online friends that I can turn to for encouragement and support. These are the people that help me keep things in perspective — they are the ones that convince me I should take that breath and move on. Truly, no mom is an island.

Mom to Mom, Day to Day is published by Pauline Books.

Comments

[Kathy]

The perfect questions for all us inquiring minds, and some really great answers.

[Danielle Bean]

My name is Danielle Bean,to.I also like to write.

[Danielle Bean]

I don't know much about this danielle bean, but I do know about me.My name is Danielle Bean.I'm 13,I go to school in Nanih Waiya,Ms.I'm in grade 7 and I write songs,poetry,and short stories.I'm not Catholic.

[Danielle Bean]

I hardly know anyhthing about Danielle Bean except that she is a writer.I'm a writer to, but I'm not that good at it.I love to write and sing.I've written countless poems and short stories.If anybody knows a place where I can get them published, please let me know.There's got to be somebody out there that will read this.Leave the writer a good coment and give me a site.
signed,
Danielle LeAnn Bean